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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
A woman drives into a bar.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
i spent way too long on this
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Breaking news:
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?