Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
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me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.