Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
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Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Flowers bee like
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.