Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

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Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?


As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.


ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…


[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet


Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive


my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras


I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.


A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now


FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot