Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The Birdles
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
when dads have a rap battle
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.