@WritePlay

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

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@RealCarrotFacts

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

@farleftcoast

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

@EndhooS

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@Erma_H_Gersh

9: “Mom, that’s a pretty necklace. Can I have it?”
Me: “No, I got it as a gift.”
9: “Well, can I have it when you die, then?”

@KaptainKoRnie

Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.

Ok, just me?

@OtherDanOBrien

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

@Mirimade

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@dmc1138

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.