*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down