Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.