@NourHadidi

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Woman: $150 for mice removal?!

Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*

Woman: Get them out!

Me: $300 snake removal fee

*dumps box of mongooses*

@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

@margolundy

Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.

@DjJazzyJeffro

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

@Jaywoo74

If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss

@envydatropic

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

@Springaling85

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day