Woman: $150 for mice removal?!
Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*
Woman: Get them out!
Me: $300 snake removal fee
*dumps box of mongooses*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day