Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.