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COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears


If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.


Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.


Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.


When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.


[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope


Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.


Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.