Isn’t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don’t know what ironic means.
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date: i want a good listener
date: who can see inner beauty
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks