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@_elvishpresley_

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

@JosesLovesYou

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

@jellybnbonanza

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

@KelleysBreakRm

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

@Karissajem

Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.

@daddydoubts

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!