COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I don’t know why I’m laughing 😂😂
Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!