Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.