*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes