@Ellierocks2013

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.

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@MeganGetsMoney

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

@TheHyyyype

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

@brian_bilston

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

@GreenishDuck

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

@YourKyness

If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.

@david8hughes

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

@rzarosco

*does 3 or 4 pretty accurate karate kicks in front of a girl*
“Ya as I was saying my dad went to middle school with the drummer from Tesla”

@Brianhopecomedy

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

@behindyourback

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.