Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.