“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.
i think about that a lot.
…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
In a land with no pockets, the man with the fanny pack is king.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.