@om_eye_goodness

last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.

i think about that a lot.

…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.

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@lemonmartinis

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

@Tmoney68

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

@blondediva11

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

@ch000ch

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

@CheeseDaydreams

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

@Elizasoul80

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

@TheToddWilliams

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

@Torgo_phylum

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but my cooking is the reason my girlfriend became a Vegan.