@om_eye_goodness

last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.

i think about that a lot.

…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.

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@DirtMcTurd

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

@karencreets

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

@RdrJay47

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

@sixfootcandy

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

@muffathukka

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.