@SchlubbyHubby

Lately I’m very optimistic about the future of my marriage…

I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he’ll meet somebody… soon…

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@huntigula

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

@OMGSoOverIt

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

@hammbone84

Neighbor: I always see your kids outside but hardly ever see you out there.

Me: Oh, that’s because my doors lock from the inside.

@OVO_Ty15

I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.

@iwearaonesie

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

@rzarosco

Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy

@JJSummertime

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

@FinallyHeSleeps

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@TinaraMinus10

Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist