Lately I’m very optimistic about the future of my marriage…

I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he’ll meet somebody… soon…

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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself


Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.


Neighbor: I always see your kids outside but hardly ever see you out there.

Me: Oh, that’s because my doors lock from the inside.


I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.


*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*


Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy


I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”


My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”


Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom


Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist