Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
You Might Also Like
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral