Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
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Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
She’s got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won’t quit.
Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.
A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.
It’s possible my dress is too short.
“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable
movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours
cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.