Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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Wake me when AI does housework
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Pikachu found the lost joint
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
The only good comments section online is on recipes
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.