latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations

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Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank


Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.


Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?


[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]


I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again


I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?


We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.


A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.


wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit