@iatemuggles

latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations

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@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank

@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

@theyearofelan

Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

@Jeff_G_Nixon

[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]

@omgshuddup

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

@LoveNLunchmeat

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit