Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken