Accurate
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Best table by far
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾