Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
i think both sides are to blame here
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap