@UncleDuke1969

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

You Might Also Like

@PhilJamesson

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

@longwall26

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????

@Schmoodles

Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?

@thesulk

My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.

@SocialustGal13

Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?

@Carbosly

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

@david8hughes

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

@TheBoydP

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

@Nahdude83

Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
Jim: Hmm

[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*