Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
This meeting could have been a cake
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.