*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.