“Anybody here named Jeff?”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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*about to rob a bank*
“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”
i dont need one
i already have two
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me: That’ll teach me
Also me: No it won’t
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.