@OnlyFastEddie

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

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@mtobey

“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”

@phaggots

*about to rob a bank*

“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”

i dont need one

“why not”

i already have two

*kisses biceps*

@sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

@notacroc

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

@DothTheDoth

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

@Adyaces

Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t

@Steelers1972

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

@TequilaTears

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

@shariv67

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

@booyahchadly

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.