*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

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“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”


*about to rob a bank*

“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”

i dont need one

“why not”

i already have two

*kisses biceps*


Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.


[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent


Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.


Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t


Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.


Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.


Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.


Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.