*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.