Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.