@KKAlThani

Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.

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@OwenJones84

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

@thesulk

I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”

@caithuls

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

@TweetPotato314

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

@djdarrellripley

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

@Fred_Delicious

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

@Bob_Lesh

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

@isabelzawtun

Me: One of you… is the murderer

Everyone: *starts sweating*

Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting

@suedechukka

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll