@KKAlThani

Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.

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@Sassafrantz

Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was “what do they know that I don’t?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

@Perfect_Beanis

in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played “in the end” by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off

@sageboggs

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

@brunopieroni

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

@aveuaskew

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

@underrateDad

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you’re probably my kids.

@ohheyohhihello

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER