Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.
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Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.
I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Me: One of you… is the murderer
Everyone: *starts sweating*
Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll