We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.