“Laughter is the best medicine”
-doctor who failed med school

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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.


Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie


Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.


My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”


I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon


The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.


[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”


I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.


[farmers market]

Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?

Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?

Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so

Me: *leans in close* If I find out-

Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me