I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
You Might Also Like
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Gods work.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really