Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake