If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.
CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.
Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water