@delusions_of

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

@AbbieEvansXO

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

@QwertyJones3

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

@thenatewolf

ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.

CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.

@thenatewolf

Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.

@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

@TweetPotato314

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water