Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.

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Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids


Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.


Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.


Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.


Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do


about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day


The ending of “Romeo and Juliet” is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.


I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*


Sounds like something just fell in my basement so I’m going to do the normal thing and ignore it for 4 years.


Isn’t it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It’s like, do I want to tell people that there’s a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?