Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.