Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.


Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.


Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.


God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.


Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.


If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.


Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough



Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then


I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume


Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too