Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
HOW DARE YOU
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.