@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

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@lisaxy424

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

@Amburglar_

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

@LOLGOP

God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.

@JasonLastname

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@3sunzzz

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

@MarfSalvador

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

@johnistoasted

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

@BunAndLeggings

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too