launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
This came to me in a dream.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross