@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner

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@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@djdarrellripley

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

@DrakeGatsby

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

@difficultpatty

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

@TheAlexNevil

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

@amitjain1002

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

@kelkulus

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

@GatewayHug

*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*