Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
lady: you can’t do that
me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner
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penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*Holding my newborn son*
Wife: What about Mike?
Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!