Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
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Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
A family that plays together cheats.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex