[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes
1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.
2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.
3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.