@SweetVaBreezy

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

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@fro_vo

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

@leyawn

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

@iwearaonesie

me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?!
Netflix: Because you watched “The Wedding Planner”

@better_off_dad2

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

@Ivsy01

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

@TheMichaelRock

Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.

@fuzzlime

If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?

@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.