@SweetVaBreezy

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

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@Fred_Delicious

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

@sploosk

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

@TheHyyyype

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

@Crunk_Jews

90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

@isabelzawtun

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

@QwertyJones3

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

@BCMontgo

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

@CanadianBeave13

LADIES!

LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes

1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.

2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.

3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.