Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
and this one
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.