[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.