[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
You Might Also Like
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Mood.. 😂
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?