Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Ghost costume 😂

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.