Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
You Might Also Like
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
We need to put an American base on the sun
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Nothing.