Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

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Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here


When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”


Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.


some say Leonardo DiCaprio was a star before Titanic and some say he was a not a star but personally I will not be satisfied with this debate until Neil DeGrasse Tyson weighs in boringly about the scientific definition of “star” and everyone yells at him


me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order


Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”


I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant


something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care


JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]


me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes