law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women