@UncleDuke1969

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

- @UncleDuke1969

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@ericsshadow

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

@jakob_huber

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

@psybermonkey

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

@TheWoodenslurpy

My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.

“It’s not you,” he said, looking around. “It’s them.”

@nwntwrth

a gang that’s all undercover cops but they all think they’re the only undercover cop in the gang

@Thee1_4U

Having kids isn’t that bad, just don’t have like the really young ones.

@SummerCandyEyes

My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.

*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard

@Smooheed

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds