just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
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[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.