I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.