I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon
Chameleon: how’d you know it was me
Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker
Spider-Man: *starts sweating*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap