@pleatedjeans

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

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@OllyiConic

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

@Dawn_M_

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

@filmbizpro

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

@SammySkinns

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

@KtotheK39

Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.

@HelloJessicaFox

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

@katy_fit

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.