@pleatedjeans

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

You Might Also Like

@andsarah2

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

@_ElvishPresley_

Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon

Chameleon: how’d you know it was me

Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker

Chameleon: so

Spider-Man: *starts sweating*

@LoveNLunchmeat

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

@stevevsninjas

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

@DCpierson

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

@david8hughes

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.

@TweetPotato314

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

@curledbitch

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15