Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
HITMAN: an accident
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
HITMAN: that was a joke


Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team


Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.


“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.


Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.


A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.


I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.