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That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
“OMGJK” -atheists
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr