@sineadaloftus

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

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@CheeseDaydreams

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

@boring_as_heck

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

@PatsATweetin

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

@MrEd_EVH

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

@colonel_trilL

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

@AristotlesNZ

Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

@SimplySnaccbar

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

@UnFitz

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.