lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

You Might Also Like


The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.


[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good


I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.


interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.


Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40


I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR


Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?


[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.


Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit


I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.