lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time