lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

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[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.


[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…


Marie Kondo opening an online shop that sells dumb crap you don’t need is my favorite heel turn of 2019.


One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.


When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.


He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection


*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up


[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.


Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!


“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”