lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit


Roses are black
Violets are black
It’s late at night
I didn’t pay the electric bill.


My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.


My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.


Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*


Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?


Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit


Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.


Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone