@MNateShyamalan

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

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@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

@RobotThomas

Roses are black
Violets are black
It’s late at night
I didn’t pay the electric bill.

@MarioInAZ

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

@beefman138

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

@iamspacegirl

Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*

@ArfMeasures

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

@chanelpuke

Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit

@spaceboyriley

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@KrissiBex

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone