lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

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Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.


[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.


Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”

Me after my 2nd Scotch…


You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.


At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?


I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.


Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator


Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming


It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.