@MNateShyamalan

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

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@Cyd10e

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

@UnFitz

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

@DC_Draino

Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”

Me after my 2nd Scotch…

@Stap_Jr

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

@WheelTod

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

@Dahmerscookpot

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@realHamOnWry

It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.