@DrakeGatsby

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

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@AsYouNotWish

I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.

@TeaPartyCat

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

@jwalkonthemoon

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

@Ygrene

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

@GianDoh

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

@HansGrubertron

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

@usermcuserface

Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@badbanana

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.