@DrakeGatsby

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

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@WheelTod

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

@jeremysmiles

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

@daliamalek

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

@est1975blog

I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”

@KeetPotato

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

@roxiqt

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

@MissHavisham

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.