I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
So you’re all Obama fans now? Name 3 of his albums.
Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.