@KateWhineHall OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
@DrakeGatsby Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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@KateWhineHall 
@BeTheCookie Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
@ScaryMommy No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
@joejwest RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old
@Sir_Strange – Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.
@ChrissieM10 Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
@green_babe_ Curiosity doesn’t kill anything, stupidity does.
@moose_chocolate I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.
See, hating people can be healthy!
@J0hnnyBlaze Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
@BFNotAllowed My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.