@DrakeGatsby

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

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@KateWhineHall

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

@BeTheCookie

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

@joejwest

RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old

@Sir_Strange

– Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.

@ChrissieM10

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

@moose_chocolate

I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!

@J0hnnyBlaze

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

@BFNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.