Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

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Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.


Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.


No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.


RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old


– Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.


Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.


I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!


Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.