How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.