Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“i am a sweet baby”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.