BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
Using “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”