Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me