@MaybePileJokes

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

You Might Also Like

@generaldietz

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

@cluedont

BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.

@JennyPentland

I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.

@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

@dafloydsta

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

@DrunkSocialite

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

@mantej

Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.

@CulturedRuffian

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

@Love_bug1016

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly