lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

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[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME


Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.


“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.


What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?


I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.


Me: Cool car. I like the heated seats but they almost make it feel like I peed my pants. Lol
Her: It doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: I have peed my pants.


My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.


[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?