@MaybePileJokes

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

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@thetits

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

@VintageBabe1212

Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.

@CantWaitToNap

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

@drinksmcgee

I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

@d_duhwit

Me: Cool car. I like the heated seats but they almost make it feel like I peed my pants. Lol
Her: It doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: I have peed my pants.

@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.

@chuuew

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?