lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
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a public service announcement
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Bros before Ohioes
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second