*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
We’ve come full circle
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language