“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[Carpenter First Date]
So, tell me about your shelf.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Dentist: do you floss?
Me: do we have to do this?
Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)
Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?
Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.